There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
