Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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