Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
