Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
