I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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