also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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