I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
