Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
