i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
