What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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