Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
