I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
this beer tastes like vomit already
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize