wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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