she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
