yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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