Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
