and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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