if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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