Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize