YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
