Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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