Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize