If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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