Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
