And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
