just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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