just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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