Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Randomize