dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
