i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
