Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
