I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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