i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
