found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
