She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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