Tell her she can't have a vagina
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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