RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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