The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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