Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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