He passed out mid-signature
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
