I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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