From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
