You're earring is so big in my mouth
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
