just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
there's paper in my vomit.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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