this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
