Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
