Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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