his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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