$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
too bad you live with your parents still
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
