I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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