I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
