your room smells of hookers.
And success
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
