i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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