Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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