if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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