I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
